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& ur welcome.

fuck it. be a mess.

Updated: Jan 4, 2022

So, i may have fallen in love.

Not completely, but like ankles deep.

Stuck in the mud. Walking on the shore. Standing strong.

But just like everything this year- it was here for just a week.

Most people i meet are “here just for a week”

It feels like my time is for rent. But instead of money, i get paid in sex and maybe a drink. One guy brought me yogurt flavored shoju.

Another brought me chateau diana and 2 white claws- the finest CVS has to offer.

He was tall. So that was a plus.

He also was really in love with being in new york. Like fucking annie when she enters daddy warbuck’s mansion.

Somehow in this scenario, i was daddy warbucks, my studio was the mansion, and annie fingered daddy while cross faded.

The sun may come out tomorrow- but i sadly report i did not.

The last time i came was over snap chat. I felt dirty on my couch while finishing to basically nothing. Just techy particles that are sent through wifi and land on my robot box and show me a video of a dick or a sexy emoji.

I really felt that that guy got the good end of the deal. That day in particular i had bad writer’s block. Nothing was coming. My mind was blank- nothing.

I mean sure, i didn’t leave my apartment that day, but i could've felt inspired by anything. Usually if i look at any object in my apartment- i can start writing off of it. But i guess when you stare at the same shit all day it the ideas just fade.

So whenever i’m feeling uninspired i go straight to the dating apps.

First swipe- i feel nothing. But after a good 15, my imagination starts flowing. Every profile is a new prompt. “What if i have sex with David? Chris? Jared?- the list goes on and on. But now, new prompts started to appear. “What if Trent took me on a picnic?” “What if Brian and I got lost in a museum together?” “What would it be like I took Ddam home for the holidays?”

That’s how I knew my shallow glimpse of falling in love left me broken.

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