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& ur welcome.

fuck it. be a mess.

I truly believe I am destined to date someone older I than me. Not by like a year or two--I'm talking a full decade. I also believe in science and evidence based thinking, so let me give you my reasoning: First off, I have always been distant from people my age. I didn't grow up with a lot of money, and I went into a performing arts field where just about everyone came from large amounts of money (If you didn't need a job for some/any part of college--or you had a swimming pool growing up--you're rich to me. I'm not responsible for how you feel). With that, I eventually became financially independent at age 19 and worked 4 jobs to stay in college. Although my therapist and I have discussed how I use this underdog tale to gain a "hardworking" reputation instead of actually being vulnerable and trying to gain a reputation of being extraordinary beautiful and talented like my rich peers, but the fear of being rejected in an audition paralyzes me with guilt because it would mean I continue to leave my loved ones and pine through 4 jobs for absolutely nothing but the stereotype of a starving actor--what the fuck was I talking about? Oh I'm horny for older men in part because my rich peers don't understand the difference between a W-2 and a 1098T.

The second point is that my friends have always been older than me, even before I became aware of how my divorced parents helped doom my financial future (I can't be that smug; I'm the one who decided to major in acting). Throughout high school, all of my closest friends were in grades above me, up until senior year when I made friends with kids from other high schools. Even the few relationships I had in high school were with older men (boys). I dated a senior every year: the summer after freshman year I was in the closet and he was out, the end of sophomore year I was out but HE was in the closet, junior year I was out AND he was out (except to his parents), and when I finally became a senior I dated...nobody. Moving into college I didn't go steady with anybody, but both the friends and flings I had were primarily a couple years older than I. Now being graduated and living in a major city, my options have opened! There are so many fish in the sea! And EVERYONE'S OUT OF THE CLOSET! NO MORE COMPLICATIONS! Which is a beautiful segue to my final point: I do it on accident. I ~accidentally~ date 10 years above me. When I turned 19, I started bartending (illegally? I'll never tell) so that became my primary way to meet men. YES I was also on the dating apps and YES I felt more comfortable sleeping with older men because I sexually felt more safe with men who already assumed my naivety through my youth and would take the reigns himself as opposed to young people that I view as less mature and would expect a level of confidence and experience that I don't have yet because [see therapy break from point 1]. I digress. While bartending, I met lots of nice men and went on a many dates and on a many hook-ups (many for me, like maybe 6) and the funniest trend was that I assumed they were older, by like a few years, but EVERY guy--EVERY SINGLE GUY--was a decade older than me. The shock on my face when I found out he was 33 was no match to the shock on his face when I told him I was only 22. I didn't mind. I never mind. They sometimes did. Sometimes it hurt. I often feel sexually towards another man I meet (most men I meet, really) but very rarely do I feel romantically. In those rare cases when I do, and he miraculously ends up being 35 and doesn't want to date someone who can't legally rent a car yet, I go back home and zoom my therapist. I process the win of being vulnerable and taking a risk, but I exhale as I tally a name to another failed attempt at a relationship. It doesn't feel too bad...just normal at this point. I bring this all up because I, by chance, saw one of my bar regulars on the train today. Not really my regular as he only came into my bar once, and only half by chance because when I walked into the subway and saw him, I made a sprinting effort to get into the same train car as him. I didn't even say hello. I don't even know if he's gay, so I just sat there and broke my own heart first. We do, however, follow each other on Instagram, so I did some social media stalking. Let's see: He's from Pennsylvania, great. He's a comedy writer, that's cool. And oh, he had a birthday recently...Happy 32nd.

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