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& ur welcome.

fuck it. be a mess.

I saw a video today where someone talked about the fear of never finding someone to love you or want you or claim you and the claim part really stuck with me. Not in a scary possessive alpha kind of way but in a comforting peaceful safe kind of way. Someone choosing you and keeping you and wanting you, i’ve never understood that. Probably because my only experience with love was pining after the tenor boy in choir for years before FINALLY realizing that I deserved more than that (it took longer than I’m willing to admit most days). One time in the midst of realizing he’d never love me through my own tears I said to my mom “I gave him everything I have” dramatic because everything I do is. That was the last straw for me and i gave up on that love. He and i remain friends to this day. Friends who don’t talk all the time and every so often catch up. But friends nonetheless. Anyway back to the now. That messed me the fuck up. It took a long time to break down the idea that no one would ever like me (let alone love me), and I’m still trying to break that down and we’re getting there but it’s hard. I read books about great loves and finding someone in the middle of nothing and I don’t get it. I sit on my bed, book beside me, and stare at the ceiling TRYING to understand the feelings this heroine is having for the boy who walked into her life and I don’t get it. Will i ever get it? That’s dramatic I know I will but it seems like it’s taking a very long time to get there. I’m missing experiences and losing out on something but also I’m not and i’m living a good life. That daily dichotomy in my brain is enough to make me scream but also maybe I’ll just cry. I read a quote recently “I want to know what it would be like to understand another person without those barriers. To know a person so thoroughly, so privately.” what a beautiful way to conceptualize the thought of wanting love and intimacy. It’s exactly the way I’d describe my current idea of love or what I want out of love. I understood this character. On the other hand, she later said “I cry too much. And i’m not interested in conquering the world.” which may be me as well.

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